Some people are fans of the website Deadspin. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the website Deadspin. This 2015 preview is for those in the latter group. Read previous entries here.
Author’s Note - This article was submitted to Deadspin around September of 2015 (I don’t remember the exact date, fucking sue me). Since that time, I have annoyed Margary twice with emails, who subsequently passed me off to Marchman, who I’m pretty sure hoped I’d forget about it if he didn’t reply to me. JOKE’S ON YOU, FUCKO. Also, any formatting errors are my own damn fault because apparently I have to do this on my own now. THANKS OBAMA.
Second Author’s Note - FUCK YOU ASSHOLES BRING BACK IO9.
Third Author’s Note - Yeah, I did my own art, I’m a true Renaissance man. If you want to commission something send me an email.
Your Website: Deadspin, a subsidiary of the Gawker network, and HOLY SHIT hasn’t this offseason been amazing for Denton’s narcotrafficante money laundering scheme. Somehow, due to a stunning combination of incompetence, autoerotic fart-inhalation, and the collective mental power of a Pomeranian on horse tranquilizers, Gawker managed to make this racist, creepy, shady loan peddling loaf of ambulatory beef jerky look like the good guy in a bitter sextape dispute that literally no one gives two shits about.
And that was only the second most notable thing Gawker’s done this year!
No, the honor for Supreme Gawker Fuckup Of The Year (like the ESPYs, only worse, if you can believe it), goes to Gawker’s outing of the CFO at Conde Nast (their direct competitor!) for the well thought out reason of “fuck it, why not, journalism is a goddamn disgrace in this country anyways, might as well hop on board the FOX gravy train,” or something to that effect. What’s even better, is that they ham-handedly replaced the original article with a picture of a kitten, hoping that no one would call them on their bullshit, before taking the whole thing down and crying about getting caught worse than Kellen Winslow Jr. in a Target parking lot.
So congratulations, Deadspin. You now know exactly what it’s like to be in the locker room with some teammates that pissed on people’s lawns after running through the okra patch, and you’re stuck trying to explain to your friends that “no, I just work with them, we don’t even really know each other that well, in fact I’ve barely talked to the guy his locker’s all the way on the other side of the room look just get off my goddamn ballsack already JESUS I was the only rookie not invited and NO I didn’t strangle my girlfriend like that other guy, hashtag #notallblogsites.”
Your 2014 record: Same as last year. +1. You’re like the goddamned Buffalo Bills of Internet sites (who I had to look up to make sure they were still a team and not a Bon Jovi lyric). At least this year we only had to deal with Gamergaters shitting up the grays, instead of amoeba felching hateporn crossposted from Jezebel! GOOD JOB, TEAM.
Your editor: Some jamoke named Tim Marchman, who sounds more like an East Coast preppie tuba player than a refiner of fine online hottaeks.
Fun Tim Marchman story! So I was at a speaking thing in Chicago, one of five people on a panel about athletes and social activism (Greg Howard was another), and the designated white-guy-devil’s-advocate (some white dude who looked like a Connor, or maybe a Chaz, wrote for “The Washington Patriot Not At All Racist Republic” or some shit like that) had just finished his spiel on why athletes should be good corporate cogs in the entertainment juggernaut crushing your brain cells every Sunday. I’m getting ready to take him apart, piece by ill-informed piece, when hark! A voice rings out! Imagine my surprise, upon witnessing a vagrant who had mistakenly wandered into the session, one who was yelling at Privilege McWhiteyton with the angered tones usually reserved for tax collectors and mimes.
Now, you might be asking yourself, “Chris, why did you think this individual was a member of our criminally neglected homeless population who desperately need mental health services but are frequently imprisoned instead due to a complex series of socio-political issues primarily focused on for-profit prisons and a moral imperative towards retribution and not rehabilitation?”
Glad you asked.
See, I assumed the irate individual was a veteran rail hobo (leaning more towards “stabby” than “smiley”) due to the small pyramid of Four Lokos under his chair, a scraggly beard that appeared to house a dead raccoon, and a wild look in his eyes that indicated he was approaching rationality from the wrong way around Einstein’s universal curve, but no! As a matter of fact, it was Tim Marchman, white knighting for someone who became Internet famous for making fun of clueless nonsense-babblers, with every indication that he thought this was a good idea.
Tim. It’s cool. You gotta learn how to handle your shit, rook. I got this.
Needless to say, it was extremely awkward, and I can’t think of a better person to take over for the lifeless husk of Craggsbot that they’re probably still pushing updates for to other sites except OH WAIT CRAGGS QUIT HIS NEW JOB BECAUSE DENTON SKULLFUCKED HIM WITH A CHAINSAW DILDO EVEN THOUGH HE WAS THE BEST EDITOR THE SITE WILL EVER SEE. You’re screwed, Tim. Buy some lube.
Your head contributor:
I mean, shiiieeeeet. This animatronic pile of oversized mayonnaise packets is EXACTLY the hero you deserve. If Magary ever touches Macklemore, the universe will implode via sheer embarassment of caucasian. How the hell did we ever make it this far without blowing up the whole damn planet?
What’s new that sucks: Well, looking past Gawker’s incredible ability to bring shame upon not only its family name, but that of anyone even remotely related with the site, Deadspin is continuing its ongoing process of delivering only the finest of artisanally crafted, hand aged, vegan hipster approved microblogs, with the addition of Adequate Man, a site whose best features are written by a woman. Great job with the advertising there, I guess.
Author’s note: Since the writing of this piece, Gawker has managed to piss away one of the few talented writers they possessed, the aforementioned Jolie Kerr, and it looks like they’re in the process of doing the same to Burneko. THAT’S GOOD BUSINESSING BAH GAWD.
Seriously, the entire purpose of a content aggregator/sometimes-provider site like Deadspin is to make it easy to find interesting things, so people read them, and then want to come back. This is basic Internet 101, but no, Denton’s too smart for that. Instead, we get MICROBLOGSITE: BEARS, and MICROBLOGSITE: PAINTHUFFING, and MICROBLOGSITE: CHINESE PENILE ENAMELING, until it’s all you can do to keep from saying “fuck it, I’m gonna go read a Buzzfeed listicle about which Twilight character I am, I better fucking get Jacob this time.”
This site is turning into shit. And not the good, clean, healthy shit, that you can wipe once and flush with the satisfied feeling of a job well done, but nasty, fragmented, school of eels type shit that splatters all over the bowl like a Kosovo car bomb and makes you worry about police investigations for murder scenes.
Basically, Deadspin is adopting the Cardinal Way wholesale, and no one should ever do that. Also, get that fucking baseball chin garbage out of here. If I wanted to try and guess what a disgustingly hairy lump of manbits was, I’d watch the Hogan sex-tape.
What has always sucked: You know it’s coming. THAT’S RIGHT. Kinja. At this point, I can only assume that this is part of some Lovecraftian ritual to summon Shub-Niggurath, The Black Goat of the Woods With a Thousand Young, and we’re merely fulfilling the ancient rituals in accordance with the Old Ones’ desires until our combined rage allows them to pierce the veil between worlds. There’s simply no other explanation for a comment system that doesn’t load on iOS devices, frequently duplicates posts because it feels like it, and generally works as well as a spun sugar umbrella in a Florida hurricane.
In addition (though this should probably be under new stuff that sucks, but fuck it, I’m writing this, not you), whatever Krokodil-addled capuchin is in charge of the back-end coding for the website has made it impossible for me to view any Gawker site on my Macbook, which, well, KIND OF DEFEATS THE POINT OF A WEBSITE. This is further compounded by the endless jittering back and forth on the mobile version, as articles load themselves up, only to be viciously hip-checked out of the way by SPONSORED POSTS BUY OUR SHIT PLEASE DENTON NEEDS MORE COCAINE. I’m fairly certain “Rory from the advertising team!!” is how we get to Skynet.
Deadspin’s site design is a bigger tire fire than the Browns, and that’s REALLY fucking hard to do. Trust me. I played for the Vikings, and they almost rival the Browns for failing to get it done. Four Super Bowl appearances! We’ll never forget you Brent! Garrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
What might not suck: Despite his best efforts to get hammered during sports panels, Greg Howard still manages to put out some pretty good stuff. In addition, you should probably keep an eye on that Diana Moskovitz. She seems to know what she’s doing.
Hear it from Deadspin fans!
Because the best writer on the staff considers winning an episode of the amateur edition of Chopped to be his biggest professional accomplishment.
Gawker is currently being sued by the steroid-addled, daughter-groping star of “Mr. Nanny” over the release of a video featuring him fucking another man’s wife and being a horrible racist. A not insignificant number of people find him to be the more seemly party in the case.
Everyone at Jalopnik jerks themselves off at night to a brown manual diesel Volvo wagon fucking a Mazda Miata.
Sorry to troll you, but I am just using this opportunity to tell you how awesome you are, and your stance on same-sex marriage has encouraged me to voice my thoughts, more often. It is not about what is perceived as the norm, it is what is right.
Having said that, in my Madden franchise, I signed you to a $4.2million/year contract for 3 years, because you’re a good man, and hated you by the end of the second year because you were destroying my cap space.
You are a good man.
P.S. Why Deadspin sucks in one word - KINJA
Gawker is problematic because every time they post some very important piece about police wrong doing, or the time Trump raped his wife, they then post some bullshit from Hamilton Nolan about a yogurt he doesn’t like. It takes away from their credibility to be a thoughtful, interesting and worthy news blog whenever idiots like Nolan speak up. Hamilton Nolan is a tool.
Also, all my very funny and witty comments default to the grey.
I regret every second I spend in the comments section of Deadspin articles. It seems like a constant standup competition between people that definitely are not comedians.
Jezebel: Where feminists go to get pissed off and then get pissed off that found something to be pissed off about
Deadspin - everything other than the funbad and WYTS
Gawker - Journalism standards
Gizmodo - Boring tech BS
I09 - Morning spoilers every once in a while don’t suck
Jalopnik - does anyone read it?
Jezebel - Probably writes the most important content
Kotaku - Apparently people read this...no idea why, just play a game that interests you.
Lifehacker - “Look at these apps that everyone knows about already!”
Sploid - huh?
Ricky “The Fish”
-Jesus H Christ, no amount of vitriol that has or will be spewed can encapsulate this demon pile of shit. You get the best parts of Stockholm Syndrome; ie you get used to using this piece of shit (by using, I mean sharing dick jokes on a second rate sports blog), then BAM! Denton comes out like Aaron Sorkin’s Anit-Christ and changes the whole fucking thing. Mixed with the nostalgic fury of a Windows ‘95 printer.
2) That editorial Fuck Show
-Kluwe, you HAVE to skewer them on this. That gay prostitute hit piece compounded by the pussy fart complainings of Craggs and Max Read was the WORST. I don’t go to Gawker for editorial integrity, no one does. Also, it’s a fucking blog, not the Daily Planet. Retractions on the internet are like Ted Williams, even when it dies, part of it still lives on in some dark ass vault. I mean, even Jezebel was like, “Those Craggs and Max Read guys are sure WEEPY CUNTS”
3) How many Sub-Sites does this fucking thing need?
-Seriously, are Vassar grads just giving out handjobs to the Gawker Board to get their own super over specialized site? There is a new one every week. They even let that idiot Burneko write actual words!!!! There is no way he types them, they must have some crazy crayon to blog scanner at Gawker HQ. I hear they even let washed up, CTE riddled, no talent, NFL punters write for this damn website. AND YOU CAN’T EVEN NOTICE A DROP IN QUALITY BECAUSE THERE IS NONE!
I seriously typed out this email, and I couldn’t even be bothered to type one out for “Why Your Team Sucks”
Obviously Gawker sucks because of the Conde Nast thing, but here’s what pretty nearly everyone missed: Gawker outed a nobody for using a prostitute like two weeks after running an article telling men how to hire prositutes- Adequate Man, 6/24/15, Charlotte Shane. So these dickbags ruined someone’s life for engaging in behavior that Gawker encouraged and endorsed.
Craggs can shit the bed all he wants about the intrusion into his editorial discretion, but the adults had to get involved; instead of punching up, Gawker reached out and hit someone in the head from behind, someone that acted pretty reasonable in the face of an extortion attempt. This is victim blaming, slut shaming, and not especially different from any other shithead shock jock that screams first amendment ever time some one objects to their awful behavior.
Deadspin is that lame ass clique in High School, they are not popular by any means, just that group of douchey assholes that don’t seem to share what they have. I once tried to comment on a couple things and got replies in the likes of “AW FUCK NO” “GO HOME” “FUCK YOUR IDEAS”, etc. They live off of obscure inside jokes that only they get chubs over. Who will be the first that makes that oh-so-funny observation that gets him DEADSPIN COMMENT PRAISE, oh good for fucking you, some other 30 year old living in his basement with empty bottles of Lubriderm likes your dumb fucking comment, good for you fuck head. The commenters are a group of little dip shit trolls who only share in the misery of other terrible trolls, +1 (Fuck that Plus-Shit) who have the sole purpose of making people feel like an ass for trying to join in the conversation. The commenters have ruined this site for me, and Deadspin’s content has gotten pretty bad. Soccer? Fuck Soccer.
I usually stick with Jalopnik and Deadspin, but every now and then I wander over to Gawker. After having read any one of their articles, I always find myself thinking, “That was decent, but do you know what would have made it seem more interesting and well though-out? If I was WAY STUPIDER.”
Why Your Website Sucks...
I got this text from a very intelligent friend of mine the other day: “Be sure to check out Deadspin today. They took a break from calling people racist to post some good shit today.”
I tried to argue but couldn’t.
All Gawker Media sites are the absolute worst in their mobile iterations. The ads are interspersed in between the posts, which in and of itself isn’t the worst. But the fact that it loads everything in stages (even over wifi) makes it unbearable and an exercise in futility. When the page loads, first you get headlines, then banner pics, then finally ads. If you think you are smart/fast enough to say “I’ll just quickly tap on the link on the headline to read this particular article” and execute it, the site will remember where you pressed on that screen, but will not register it until everything is loaded. Which means instead of reading the excellent “Ask a Clean Person” or “Foodspin” you actually get to read “Day XXX of 500 days of Kristin Cavalari” or better yet, an ad for MeUndies (wtf are those?)
Also, the Kinja commenting system is legendarily frustrating. But the mobile experience takes it to a whole new level. It takes an eon just to open up the notification menu. And all the actions around the comment box are so laggy that it takes 10 minutes to write/edit a comment (it doesn’t help that autocorrect is not your friend) and half the time, when you click the Submit button, it just does not work. So your amazing witty comment you dreamed up on the train ride home will have to wait until you can thrill the deadspin-verse with your witticisms, or banter back and forth with jezebellers.
I’ve never seen such a group of worthless bored-off-their-ass individuals as those who comment on Deadspin (or really any website in the Kinja network) articles. A piece of genuinely disturbing news is published, but THE WORLD MUST KNOW HOW CLEVER I AM and so we’re blessed with overplayed, obvious examples of your fucking developed, sophisticated sense of humor as you wish upon a star that your dumbass comment approaches double-digit favorites. I have lost count at the number of times the comments to an article make me regret reading the original post entirely - and I’m sampling only from the ones approved by some dumbass moderator. It’s like reading Youtube comments except every Deadspin asshole looks back to their bullshit MBA (sorry, that’s redundant) or whatever as evidence of authority, whereas at least Youtube commenters don’t assume the guise of respectability. It’s the Facebook of edgy as FUCK, off-the-cuff, unique-except-that-nowadays-you’re-the-same-as-fucking-everyone-else websites. I fucking hate it.
Because Gawker has monopolized almost all of my schadenfreude. I used to be able to wander around the internet hating all sorts of things that I like. Now I mostly click on my “G” bookmark to see if there is a new Hamilton Nolan headline for me to not click on. It all happened so gradually I didn’t even notice.
As if anyone gives a shit if you start a union. The moment Denton deems that annoying enough he’s just going to leak the audio of you all screaming the N-word over and over again.
Hulk Hogan may not ruin you people but you deserve to get leg-dropped all the way to the Supreme Court in what I’m sure will result in a landmark time-waste post from Biddle about how Gawker is/was Coca Cola all along, man…
The Deadcast is unlistenable trash.
There is more but I am going to save my 500 Days of Kristen hate for next year or the year after.
I’ll stick to the facts about Gawker:
A few weeks ago, they published a story publicly outing a private citizen who happened to be related to a former member of the Cabinet. Included in the story were text messages between the man and a male prostitute, where the prostitute tries to blackmail the man. Gawker runs the story, essentially assisting the prostitute in his blackmail scheme. The managing partners voted to remove the story. Tommy Craggs and Max Read, executive editor of Gawker Media and editor-in-chief of Gawker.com respectively then resign, not because the vile story was published in the first place, but because the story was taken down by their bosses.
And you’re asking why Gawker sucks?
The worst thing about Deadspin, and Gawker in general? Is it the un-self-aware pretentiousness that causes its writers and editors to rail against those vile scourges of society, those corrupters of our youth: shorts and fucking air conditioning? Is it the constant refrain that this is a venue for meaningful and serious journalism, while maintaining a 60/40 ratio of dick jokes to other articles? Is it the cross-links to Jezebel, a blog committed to equality for women and people of color and exposing discrimination from the patriarchy, that unironically posted an article with the goddamn title, “Why Do Men Think Everything Is A Sign You Want to Fuck?”
No, it’s got to be the joy, the sheer childlike glee, with which your writers discuss the failures of your competitors. I have never read a single article by Jason Whitlock. Reddit is a trash site to any one with working eyes and a 4th-grade education. And I have the physical ability to turn off Skip Bayless and Colin Cowherd. Regardless, each day brings a new article about why obviously-bad-writer Bill Simmons is a bad writer, or why giant corporation ESPN makes decisions based on financial incentive. And hey, if recent events are any indication, sometimes you even ruin people’s lives!
Craggs had the right idea. I’m going to quit this piece of shit site.
Drew can’t wipe his own ass without getting shit on his fingers and he’s allowed to compete on Chopped.
This is an indictment of Food Network’s vetting process and his disgusting bathroom habits.
It’s never been the second coming of HL Mencken, but Deadspin at the very least used to consist of entertaining, mostly original writing. Now it’s 90% recycled content used as clickbait, 9% trolling used as clickbait, and 1% Drew. If it weren’t for the prospect of spending an entire 9 to 5 focusing on my job, there would be literally no reason to visit.
Website content breakdown is as follows:
25% Kinja comments
15% Reader emails
10% Quotes from other news sources
3% Reviews (movies, cars, products, beer)
2% Original content
I’ve got a suggestion for an article: Gawker sites ranked by page views. That is right in their wheel house of publishing 5 lists/rankings every day. Seriously, who’s reading Ask a Clean Person or Foodspin. I really want to know that demographic. I’m thinking an unfrozen caveman who’s discovered Deadspin, but is too frightened of the vastness of the internet to navigate to a non-Gawker site. Nothing else makes sense.
Your website sucks because its most consistent ongoing socio-cultural comparison is half-ass book-cracking
Sent from my iPhone
Breaking out of the greys is harder than finishing Finnegan’s Wake, and less satisfying.
Thanks to everyone who submitted to Why Your Website Sucks. See you all next year! Unless Denton sends a team of Thai sex-ninjas after me. Then it’ll be two weeks. Maybe less. It really depends on my stamina.